Reacting v. Responding

There is absolutely a difference.

How many times have you yelled at your toddler, child, teenager, or significant other and felt terrible about it later? There's many who have even yelled at an infant because the stress is so high that the emotional reaction came spilling out. What about your colleagues or your boss? Have you ever yelled or said things in a way that was unprofessional or inappropriate? It has happened to everyone at some points in thier lives, even if it's hard to admit, and it's hard to admit because we are embarrassed or feeling guilty due to the behavior we displayed. Due to the emotion, we were not able to clearly communicate what we really were trying to say. Often our embarrassment and guilt come from the fact that we said things we didn't really mean or we left out pertinent information related to why we are so upset.

When we react to a situation or a comment, we are focusing on the emotion of the event, and that emotion is usually evident in our response. Furthermore, we are more likely to have some level of regret after the emotion has subsided. When emotions run high, we are very angry, hurt, defensive, or upset. The blood in our body is rushing to our large muscles in preparation for a fight or flight response; it is rushing away from the reasoning parts of our brain, so we are physiologically uncapable of the best critical, analytical, and reasonable responses. Yet too often that is the state we are in when we react.

How many times have you reacted to a comment or situation, and later had to go back and apologize or get over your own guilt or embarrassment before being able to move forward? What if you could eliminate the need for the apology and just continue to build a positive relationship with that person or group, whether it is personal or professional? This can be done if we focus on responding, not reacting. Controlling emotion and allowing a much more cognitive response to come out is better for us all, but it is not easy, especially with those you love or care about most or when the stakes are high. Emotions naturally run high in the most important relationships, yet those are the relationships where responding rather than reacting is most essential.

When we take a moment to step back and consider the situation or the comment made and think about what would be the best way to deal with it, we are responding. When we respond, we are not only better able to communicate our true thoughts and feelings in the most articulate and accurate way, but also making great gains in the relationship we have with that individual or group.

To be a little more technical and rely solely on the denotation of the words, Merriam Webster defines them:

- react: to exert a reciprocal force, to change in response to a stimulus, to act in opposition to a force, to move in a reverse direction. This definition is written with some strong words that have a somewhat negative connotation: force, opposition, and reverse.

- respond: to say something in response, to show a favorable reaction, to be answerable. This definition is written with words that are less inflammatory and provide a bit of a softer connotation.

It's right there in the definitions, a reaction is a force to be reckoned with while a response is an answer that is more constructive and acceptable.

So after speaking with someone, with which feelings would you prefer them to walk away? Feeling incited, contradicted, and belittled, or feeling valued, adequately answered, and with something workable to move forward?

This certainly does not mean that a response is always "yes", "you're right", or "ok". It means that the feedback given used verbiage that not only honestly communicated your thoughts on the matter at hand, but also allowed the listener to accept it with an open mind and utilize it to be productive not defensive.

Train Yourself to Respond Rather Than React

1. First, you need to commit to responding and not reacting. (Remember, a commitment consists of many consistent decisions over time.)

2. Try to become aware of those times when you are responding, and when you are reacting. Make a point of keeping score.

3. When you start your day, promise yourself to be in the moment and look for every opportunity to respond rather than react.

4. Try to heighten your awareness of the ways in which reacting fails to serve you well.

5. Become highly aware of the negative repercussions of reacting.

6. At night, review your day. Accept whatever you did as reality. It happened and it’s okay. Don’t judge yourself for the times you reacted. Simply play back the tape of the day in your mind. If you punish yourself, you’ll lose twice. But you can turn a negative into a positive by becoming aware of when you started to react in the moment, and start to consider how you might have responded instead.

7. Turn the trigger into a reminder. Tell yourself that whatever triggered you to react in the past can also remind you to respond in the future. Experiment by playing out a few scenarios in your head.

8. Commit to letting that trigger be your reminder in the future.

This exercise is an excerpt from Joe Caruso’s book, The Power of Losing Control, Chapter 7: The Difference Between Knowledge and Wisdom. Get the book! (c) Joe Caruso and Caruso Leadership, 2018.

Personally, when I am at work, at home, at the sports fields, or at a school meeting and emotions are high, for whatever reason, I work hard to just keep my mouth shut or walk away. I may write down what I am very badly wanting to say or vent to a safe person/a sounding board, but outside of that, I try not to say anything at all until I can reflect on the situation and dissect my feelings, objectively separate emotion from fact, and focus on what outcome I want or need and on how I can articulate my thoughts to best reach that outcome. I strive for calculated responses every time. I am unsuccessful at times (I do have 3 teenagers for goodness sake), but I do a pretty good job most of the time I think. I try to learn from my mistakes and identify triggers because when I react rather than respond, I am overwhelmed with horrible feelings inside of me afterwards, and I do not want to feel that way; I hate feeling that way in the pit of my stomach. Reacting almost always makes me feel terrible inside. More so, I despise thinking about how I may have damaged that relationship due to my reaction or about what impact my reaction may have on others that I will never know. You never know the difference you are making, and I certainly do not want a foolishly displayed emotional reaction of mine to have a negative impact on others. I much prefer my responses to facilitate strong relationships and to have a positive impact on those around me. Furthermore, I want to model for my kids and my colleagues how to best respond to others to facilitate stronger relationships, more positive personal feelings, and better outcomes.